I Met A Girl

 

The Change

Fear of loosing happiness. Because I thought she was the best. Happiest girl I ever know. My inner child. Just to show off the world that I knew the reality, I became a murderer. I killed the dreamer inside me. I lost her for the hands of my own. I still cry over what's lost and gone. Begging her to come back home knowing she'll never return, am I loosing the brand new me? As I ignore to accept this new SHE, the fear grows day by day with anxiety. Maybe she can't make me happy as before. She is bit cold. A little bit more selfish I might add. Fearing how the world will acknowledge her because she is mostly misunderstood. But she's stronger, wiser and bolder than I could ever imagine. Why can't I see her beauty instead? Trying to wear a mask to show others I'm still the old me. Who am I trying so hard to be? Anyone but me? What am I trying to prove? Everything but me? Even the whole world's expectations gathered around a fake me, all I want is very afew including myself to accept and love the real me.  

                               -Niki-

Not Another Cinderella

 

2AM

It's 2am

Should I call her?

To share my inner deep emotions, 

Which I have never been talked with anyone else before.

To tell why I am so depressed, 

Reason why I tried to kill myself.

As the doctor said I can be happy again, 

why I took those pills without any hesitation. 

I know she really cares,

But it's 2am now,

She's probably sleeping or studing

Or maybe she might be fighting an unknown battle as me.

Because if I call,

She will definitely come.

No matter how hard it is,

I will do the same for her.

But she lives her own life now.

We are not that 16 year old kids anymore.

Life is hard.

She is a soldier too.

If she comes to defend me, 

She will loose her own battle too.

So let me shut my mouth,

To keep this silence.

We are fighting together, 

Yet alone in our own battles.

You can't save anybody else

But only yourself. 

Nope..

It's not being selfish or egotistical 

I love her with all I have,

I know she do too.

That's why life is even lonelier,

And there's nothing you can do.

                                        -Niki-               

Mr.Death Asked Me Out!

Every sleepless night he comes to visit me, covering his whole body with thousands of burning flames. Every single time he appears he wipes all my tears away but instead of comforting me, he asks me, "Will you come with me today?" My unsure rejection draw a smile on his emotionless face maybe because he knows I lied or what i am desperate. Our deep conversations reflects his spirituality as he pulls my heart strings to his side, using every word he say. For he use pretty words to speak the ugly truth, he is so my type as I feel he is capable of finding answers to all my frustrations with no debates. Every single day he asks me to take his hand, walk with him and stay in peace at his resort. He promises no one will ever bother me as long as I am one of his belongs.
"Should I go or should I stay?" Is what I wonder all day.

..On Suicide..

                               -Niki-

Somebody Must Have Told Him

 

Nothing in life we see is true,

Try hard but there's no clue,

So give up what else to do,

While no one knows the person you.

He said "It's hard to live",

It's something everyone knew,

So he chose to die and not to live,

Who'll cry, who'll smile he never knew.

If you wanna die there are so many ways you can take, 

But to live you can only walk as soon as you wake, 

If you choose to die sure you'll miss whole lot of pain, 

What about the happiness? don't you think then you'll miss that as same?

No sadness last long forever,

No happiness last long forever,

Life has nothing lasts forever,

But still we live for the word forever.

I think he thought it is meaningless,

But I believe that hope is better than hopeless,

To fight so hard to find a life, meaningful,

I guess he never knew such a thing,
wonderful.

Unlike him I chose to live, maybe it's my weakness,

But I still see a beauty in every single sadness,

Walking through the meaningless road he explains as a war,

I see many interesting stuff, I guess he never saw.

I wonder with those beautiful wings he got, why doesn't he ever try to fly?

When he fell down somebody must have told him, it's okay to cry,

Life is a mixed song with lots of different major and minor keys,

Still I wish somebody must have told him to live to see how wonderful it is.

-Niki-

The Beautiful Truth Death Hides

The one who won from the battle between the angels who live inside your heart and the demons who trapped inside your head only matters when the death calls you to say a grim reaper is on his way.....

Everyone else says 'he died', but I say 'he lived.' Because I know the beautiful life he led. When I see them crying because they missed him, I smile because I found him. Yes, I found him right next to my shoulder. And then they say 'he's gone', but I see him coming towards me as an angel every single day. I know even time flies day by day he'll still be here with me. While whispering  warm words to my ear to give me strength for things I fear. I can talk with him any time to tell him how I feel. His speechless smile speaks thousands of words a living human can never speak. So maybe the death has power to separate us physicially but never mentally. As I see how powerless the death is from my whole heart. And that's the beautiful secret, the death holds is all about!!!

If you think you lost someone because of the death, think again.

                                                     -Niki-                                 

Harmony To My Life's Melody

 

The sound of rain they say it's their melody,

So I guess the thunder might be their harmony.

But I'm scared of thunder even though I love the rain,

Is it the melody my happiness or will harmony be my pain?

People are living happily while knowing one day the will die,

As I'm looking for my wings while knowing I'm not light enough to fly.

Things I want which will never be mine,

I cry a thousand times while asking "why?"

"Maybe that's how gods want my life to be", I ended up with the same lie,

Hoping one day I'll be able to be happy and to say honestly, "I'm fine".

Everyone trust my fake words, as nobody can see the true myself cry,

The mask which I want to remove, but it's even painful to give it a try.

I've big dreams but I'm scared, that they'll fade once I open my eyes,

So my closed eyes, make me blind, as everyone fools me with so many lies,

But I keep trusting, hoping oneday, light will come without any price,

Maybe you can call me a fool, as I repeat the same mistakes twice.

But that's who I am and I won't change, because of the pain that I don't fear,

Cause I've been walking, through flames and burn enough to dry off my tears,

And the music which I paly now, has both melody and harmony for clear,

So I stand up while shouting at the world, "I've the best harmonized melody ever."

-Niki-

Hope

 It's the path to an unclear destination and whatever it will be, it is a choice to believe in the ability of making a heaven out of hell.

                                          -Niki-

 

His Grace

 As the starry night begins, Little by little the darkness take control of the thoughts that are to be bright. I wish I could just ignore but still when the prayers I pray for his grace keep disappearing while leading me to this despair path of life, I wonder how longer do I have to believe that the hope once left me to be hopeless is to find behind the eyes of an unknown....

His grace....

                                         -Niki-